Zach and His Fanny Pack

Yesterday Zach had a port-a-cath placed in his chest. The implanted port is placed completely under the skin. It is used for patients who require frequent or continuous chemotherapy administration.  Zach had toughed out the discomforts and most recently the pains of cancer for past 12-18 months...but he sure is a wimp when it comes to needles! Having the port will keep Zach's veins from being poked countless times.    

The cute patient and me before the port placement!

The aftermath--ouch!

We were at the hospital most of the day.  But we were able to catch up with Robert Mahon who was in town.  He was host of the social beverage function where Zach and I first met!

Josie Davis, the young daughter of a coaching colleague from Rocky Mountain, stopped by last night with a gift.  She made a stack of cards for Zach with motivational sayings.  Today's motivation is brought to you by Tupac.  And surprisingly he didn't even need to be censored.  We appreciate Josie's kindness--what a sweet little girl.  

Last night was not restful because we were both anxious for today.  But it was made even more challenging because Oliver was up most of the night with a tummy ache.  My mom came over early this morning to stay with the boys so we could head down to the hospital.  We prayed in the car before walking in--it is a relief to Zach to finally begin the process of treating the cancer.  

Zach and I both thought the bad news was over but we received some surprising news that our team had accidentally forgotten to speak with us about last week.  We likely won't be able to have more children.  This morning our doctor offered to delay treatment so we could make arrangements for the opportunity to have more children in the future.  But we feel it is best to attack the cancer now and not wait.  I have room in my heart for at least 1 more so this is very difficult news.  I never prepared mentally or emotionally while pregnant with Max that he would be our last.  

Zach was very anxious by the time he sat down for his first treatment at 9:15 this morning.  The past 12 days have felt like an eternity.  First he received saline to combat dehydration, then anti-nausea medication and finally his chemo cocktail.  The nurse hooked him up to his "chemo ball" at the end of his treatment.  It was an 8-hour day for him.  I left shortly after his treatment began this morning to come home to my boys.  Zach had lots of visitors today which helped him pass the time.  He seems to prefer that I not be around him for long periods of time--I think I make him sad sometimes although I try to be upbeat.  His brothers are really good at cheering him up.  

Zach came home with his "chemo ball" tucked away in a sweet looking fanny pack. He was so excited to pose for a picture (seriously!) Those of you who know him can give him grief for these pics!  Zach will have his chemo ball for 5 days.  

 The '80s called and they want you to have a bedazzled lime green fanny pack instead!  

The chemotheraphy side effects have already begun.  Zach complained of a metallic taste in his mouth and extremely dry hands and feet.  I put Zach, his chemo ball and fanny pack to bed at 8:00.  He is now on Norco because the pain of the cancer and the minor surgery yesterday for the port just got to be more than ibuprofen could handle.  The Norco agitated Zach and showed me a side I haven't seen before.  It is hard to remember that it is the medication that alters Zach and the real Zach is in there somewhere.    

Today was the worst for me by far…probably even harder than his diagnosis 9 days ago.  Zach was busy with visitors and my day was much quieter.  I don't say that to make anyone feel badly because I didn't realize until tonight that I even got lonely.  I think it's an emotional loneliness, however, and not a "people" loneliness.  I realized tonight that as much as I love those around me and appreciate their help and companionship, they don't know what I go through on a daily, even hourly basis.  There's a select group of us that deal with this day in and day out for months (years?) at a time. 

My prayer request is that I don't get stuck in the dark times.  I'm thankful today is over and look forward to the sun tomorrow.